I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
