I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
