I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
