party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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