I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
