I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
