normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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