Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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