He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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