Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
