I think I died a long time ago.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
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She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
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Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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