census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
