I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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