I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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