doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
