just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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