JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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