Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
