you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
