I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.