The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
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just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.