My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
