Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
