Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
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I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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