I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
