I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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