I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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