I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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