69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
