i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
