For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
