He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
last night I used snow as a chaser
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
