I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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