i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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