my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
