Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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