So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
