After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
