I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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