i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
