Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
