Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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