If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
