awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
