So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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