evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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