Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
