sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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