i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
