so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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