I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
