Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
