My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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