I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
