A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am midnight drunk by noon
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
