this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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