Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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