Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
