i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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