So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
