Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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