I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
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Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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